Daily Joke
underwraps
Senior Member
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns! Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over! :laugh:
Comments
"The 100 jokes that shaped modern comedy"
http://www.vulture.com/2016/01/100-jokes-shaped-modern-comedy-c-v-r.html
Tip: do not open on your mobile. It's 1 page with 100 embedded video's, My iPhone 6 got really hot and crashed.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
Kinda makes me thing of that new show the outsiders, if your missing the son's check this out.
She picks up and starts laughing out loud after a short conversation.
The guy asks her whys was laughing, she says:
"It was my husband,
he said he was going to be home late
because he was at a bar having drinks with you"
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
Okay you win lol lol too funny
An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's bad for your health!"
The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 106 years old!"
The old man is shocked. "What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No," the kid replies. "He minded his own damn business!"
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.
She said... "Who was that guy?"
Good one Ron--I hope he didn't have both hands on your shoulders.
The lady answers "well my husband is always complaining there in nothing in the house to eat between the holidays"
Man answers: Same plan that Jesus had...... Disappear on Friday and reappear on Sunday
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candlelight; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"
She slammed the door and shouted excitedly: "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"
The husband said: "Oh my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter" she said,...."just get the fuck out!"
Dad says "No butter for 2 weeks"
The little boy kills a honeybee
Dad says "No honey for 2 weeks"
Mom kills a cockroach,
The little boy turns to his dad and says:
"Are you going to tell her or should I do it?"
'So why do I have to raise your salary?' she asks
- 'Well because there so many things i do around here, and I do them really well' the maid says,
'How's that?' the landlady asks
- 'Well, I have 3 examples for you Ma'am.....'
'I'm curious, so go ahead and explain it to me'
- 'First off I'm better than you at Ironing.....'
'Says who?'
- '.......Says your Husband'
'Did he say that? Well, well,....ok tell me, what else?'
- 'I'm also better than you at cleaning the house'
'Says who?'
- '......Again it was your husband Ma'am'
'He really likes you huh?.....So tell me, what's the 3rd reason why you should get a raise?'
- '.......uh.....well......I'm better in bed than you........'
'The lady of the house totally flips out: 'Did he say that?????'
- 'No Ma'am,.....it's what the gardener said.....'
(silence)
'Ok, so how big of a raise did you want?'