Betting Talk

Daily Joke

underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
edited July 2016 in Sports Betting
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” :laugh:
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Comments

  • underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
  • Obi OneObi One Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    This should keep you guys busy for awhile. You probably won't agree with the list, but there's a couple of good ones in there. I just hope you get a couple of good laughs out of this. Enjoy
    "The 100 jokes that shaped modern comedy"

    http://www.vulture.com/2016/01/100-jokes-shaped-modern-comedy-c-v-r.html

    Tip: do not open on your mobile. It's 1 page with 100 embedded video's, My iPhone 6 got really hot and crashed.
  • underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?” His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”
  • underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young? " Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
  • RonbetsRonbets Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase his sales.
    So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

    Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
    If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

    The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
    A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
    The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.

    The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
    You were close, but no free sex this time."

    As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

    Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
  • Old-TimerOld-Timer Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    That's a tough one to top, lets go wraps looking forward to another tomorrow.

    Kinda makes me thing of that new show the outsiders, if your missing the son's check this out.
  • BuckyBadgerBuckyBadger Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    So I went to the doctor for my annual physical. I was waiting in the examination room and my doctor came in. He asked, "You're BuckyBadger? I said, "yes I am" He asked "are you 63 years old? I replied "yes I am" Then he looked at my chart and said "You really should stop masturbating" I asked "why, should I stop masturbating?" He said "So I can do the examination"
  • Obi OneObi One Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    Phone rings when a girl was having some steamy sex with a guy
    She picks up and starts laughing out loud after a short conversation.
    The guy asks her whys was laughing, she says:
    "It was my husband,
    he said he was going to be home late
    because he was at a bar having drinks with you"
  • BuckyBadgerBuckyBadger Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    The Golfers ...




    A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
  • Old-TimerOld-Timer Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    The Golfers ...




    A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

    Okay you win lol lol too funny
  • underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    Harry is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
  • underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    I met a woman once who told me she could tell how good a man is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment. So, I asked her how. She said if that man fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing. If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time. But if that man opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed. Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment. I told her, "Honey, I lick the lock first."
  • buckeyesbuckeyes Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    A young child is sitting on a bench in a park eating a huge bag of candy.
    An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's bad for your health!"
    The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 106 years old!"
    The old man is shocked. "What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"
    "No," the kid replies. "He minded his own damn business!"
  • Old-TimerOld-Timer Senior Member
    edited February 2016
    The Golfers ...




    A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
  • BetThemDogsBetThemDogs Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    LOL Old Timer!
  • RonbetsRonbets Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    After my recent prostate exam at a suburban metro clinic in Victoria, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

    As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.

    She said... "Who was that guy?"
  • BuckyBadgerBuckyBadger Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Ronbets wrote: »
    After my recent prostate exam at a suburban metro clinic in Victoria, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

    As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.

    She said... "Who was that guy?"

    Good one Ron--I hope he didn't have both hands on your shoulders.
  • BuckyBadgerBuckyBadger Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Three friends are sitting in their local bar, when in walks a guy they went to high school with. He was all decked out in Army uniform and they moved down the bar to have a drink with him. During the conversation, they found out he was in the Airborne Rangers. One of the guys asked him what was the toughest part of Airborne training, and he responded that it was that first actual jump out of a plane. They asked him to describe it and he replied that his group was lined up in the plane and the green light went on and the rangers started quickly jumping out of the plane one by one. He was the last jumper and he said when he got to the door he just plain froze up and couldn't do it. Then he said his Mississippi drill instructor came up behind him and said "Boy, you'd better jump out of this here plane right now or I'm gonna shove 10 inches of dick right up your ass". It was silent for a couple of seconds, when finally one of the guys asked him "did you jump?" he responded "a little bit at first"
  • nvralocknvralock Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    A middle aged married lady walks into a tatoo parlor and start looking at all the different tatoo designs. After much searching she decides . She tells that tatoo artist she would like a small turkey on the inside of one thigh very high up and a small christmas tree on the opposite inside thigh. The tatoo artist says thats fine but "I do have to ask, how did you decide on those , your choices are quite unique"
    The lady answers "well my husband is always complaining there in nothing in the house to eat between the holidays"
  • Obi OneObi One Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Wife asks husband: What are your plans for Easter Weekend

    Man answers: Same plan that Jesus had...... Disappear on Friday and reappear on Sunday
  • Old-TimerOld-Timer Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Divorce Settlement

    On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

    On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candlelight; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

    When he finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

    He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

    Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place.

    Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
    few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

    Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

    Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
    half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

    Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

    Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...
    but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

    He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

    A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
    just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

    I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
  • coyleraycoyleray Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Inside this 30-year-old actor lives Stanley the sperm cell along with about a million other sperm cells. We focus on Stanley because, for once, he wants to be the sperm that fertilizes the egg. He trains diligently every day. He swims around, lift weights, that kind of stuff. An old sperm cell comes up to him and asks the reason for all the exercise and Stanley replies, "I want to fertilize the egg." The old sperm cell tells young Stanley that if he is the one to do this he must say, "Hi, I'm sperm." to which the egg should reply, "Hi, I'm egg." then you can fertilize it. Stanley thanks him and the old sperm wishes him luck. Finally, the big day comes. It gets warm and somewhat vibrantly inside and then they're off. Millions of sperm are swimming fiercely with none other than Stanley in the lead. He's so proud of himself. As the distance between him and the other sperm grow, he notices a big red ball. He knows this is the egg and he swims his heart out to finish the race. He approaches the red ball and says, like the old sperm told him to, "Hi, I'm sperm." the big red ball replied, "Hi, I'm tonsil."
  • coyleraycoyleray Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
    "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
    Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
    It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"
  • Obi OneObi One Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house,
    She slammed the door and shouted excitedly: "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"
    The husband said: "Oh my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
    "Doesn't matter" she said,...."just get the fuck out!"
  • underwrapsunderwraps Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby." The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents." "No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking." The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?" The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
  • Casper WareCasper Ware Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    30 horses in a field and 28 chickens, how many didn't?
  • Casper WareCasper Ware Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    30 horses in a field and 28 chickens, how many didn't?
    answer is 10, 20 of the horses ate chickens and 10 did not.
  • Obi OneObi One Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    A little boy kills a butterfly
    Dad says "No butter for 2 weeks"

    The little boy kills a honeybee
    Dad says "No honey for 2 weeks"

    Mom kills a cockroach,
    The little boy turns to his dad and says:
    "Are you going to tell her or should I do it?"
  • Obi OneObi One Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    A maid asks for a pay raise to the lady of the house,

    'So why do I have to raise your salary?' she asks
    - 'Well because there so many things i do around here, and I do them really well' the maid says,
    'How's that?' the landlady asks
    - 'Well, I have 3 examples for you Ma'am.....'
    'I'm curious, so go ahead and explain it to me'
    - 'First off I'm better than you at Ironing.....'
    'Says who?'
    - '.......Says your Husband'
    'Did he say that? Well, well,....ok tell me, what else?'
    - 'I'm also better than you at cleaning the house'
    'Says who?'
    - '......Again it was your husband Ma'am'
    'He really likes you huh?.....So tell me, what's the 3rd reason why you should get a raise?'
    - '.......uh.....well......I'm better in bed than you........'
    'The lady of the house totally flips out: 'Did he say that?????'
    - 'No Ma'am,.....it's what the gardener said.....'
    (silence)
    'Ok, so how big of a raise did you want?'
  • coyleraycoyleray Senior Member
    edited March 2016
    Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
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